False Opulence, Addiction To Status, & The Gate of Disillusionment

A Very Normal Stop On the Path

In Search of Prince Charming

As far as my memory goes back I remember waiting for "Prince Charming". I actually have a memory as early as 3 years old in pre-school where I woke up from playing Snow White not understanding why the little boy didn't come over and kiss me to wake up. I fell asleep waiting.

I spent the first part of my life obsessed and in fantasy, hoping that someday my Prince would come and save me from my life and myself and I could finally have the feeling of completeness and safety the little girl in me never had.

In the first leg of my career I was also wildly driven and successful. For the wrong reasons.

I grew up being so manipulated by gifts and money that I was driven through survival to "Fuck You Money."

As in "Fuck you I don't need you." I am very scarred by this experience of generosity and the "claw back".

It looked like "I don't like your boyfriend. Break up with him or I will stop paying for college." You get the idea.

A deep wound of "No one is going to protect or take care of me" was a driving force behind a lot of my early success until I cultivated a deep surrender not to a man, but to G-d.

But here's the thing. Even at the peak of my first career leg, making over a million dollars a year at 26 years old, I would have walked away from all of it for a man. I wanted to collapse into a relationship and say "I'm safe." I get it.

Building a business as a veneer or compensatory status symbol to look cool to your high flying friends is a perfectly normal thing to do, until you build it and realize it doesn’t fill the deep ache.

Now of course me being willing to walk away from my career for a man wasn't true either. Of course this was driven by my little inner child seeking the love and family I never had. She just thought that feeling would come from a man.

When we are living locked out of our own hearts, we get all kinds of ideas of what will fill that emptiness. This is the core driver of all addiction.

Of course no man could ever stand in for my relationship with G-d or my deeper Truth but didn’t have any sense of that at the time. This level of addiction and obsession was driven by this desire to be safe and it made everything else I did totally unsatisfying. I had things people dream their whole lives for and it came easy to me. But it meant nothing.

I took all my magic and gifts for granted because who the fuck cares if I don't have HIM.

I always knew I would have the real thing though. It was shown to me a long time ago. But the torturous road on the way there could have killed me. I honestly didn't want to live most of my life. Right before I met Kellen I had some very dark relationship experiences, and I finally was willing to say NEVER AGAIN and do the deep work to change.

And I dove into the TRUTH of the patterns driving my relationships with men. (You now know this as my program LABYRINTH)

And the key was releasing it fully and getting so clear on what I wanted to call in.

Kellen showed up almost immediately.

I want to pause this for a moment to address some of the absolutely grotesque, defamatory and insanely immature public commentaries made about my marriage. First, if you enjoy that kind of salacious gossip you are in for a rude awakening about how the karma of that will effect your relationship. Second, you have NO IDEA how deep and committed and high soul level my relationship with Kellen is. We hold each other for our souls evolutions, not to play house according to your standards of how a couple should look or behave.

It is FUCKING DISGUSTING behavior to be on podcasts and making videos about your irrelevant insights into someone else's marriage. I have not addressed it publicly but here it is. If you have so much disrespect for Kellen not to see him properly and that is a problem with YOUR eyes. And for anyone to not be able to see the palpable depth of love and connection between us is blind inside their own judgements and projections.

Building the “Empire”

I have written about this elsewhere but the true opening for our union was me having a deep experience of my own heart in a way that let me feel the thing I was looking for in myself and I was able to release him. The release was when he proposed to me the next day.

I really needed this piece to step into my Soul's Work. Because my woman wasn't having any of this without the simple basic family unit she deeply desired.

Kellen’s system was and is the launchpad for my creation and he has been instrumental in the SEEDING of this “Empire” we have built because it was his idea. The entire physical realm of our life is HIS vision not mine.

Kellen may not be out front (by his own design) but he is part of every single decision and has a MASSIVE long term vision for us. And let me tell you, he has a colossal capacity for wealth and I am happy to play that game with him.

OF COURSE we built our business to support our family FIRST and to so in support and service of a much bigger thread.

But let me tell you about my WOMAN. She would love to have a mansion on beach somewhere and very little contact with anyone. She would love to wake up to the beach everyday and just write books, have sex, hang out with my family, get off the internet and who knows… but honestly, my system is way too big for that and I could only do that for a short a amount of time.

Once you get the spot to really and truly come home to yourself open, the rest happens in the surrender to the energetic force. It really looks different than the slow idea we have and the false promise of simplicity.

My soul is on fire with creation and genius that must be expressed. There is no other choice. Once you unlock the spot it's flowing and it must must must come through.

My experience is that many women don't care about serving their soul's desires until this basic need of the woman is met. Perhaps it is different for different women. But there is a type who won't care about anything she creates without a man or a family.

Everything unlocks from there because your energy isn't involved in relationship drama. The seeking and searching is over. You can be totally focused on creation.

I have watched many women come to me seeking to learn from me who frankly just weren't ready for what they were asking for.
And part of that is that they were seeking status.
They wanted the teachings and to build an "empire" for the wrong reasons.
See it's the toxic mimic.
I didn't seek to build an "empire". The Empire happened through service and listening.
I built the structure to house my creations.
Kellen and I built OUR business to serve my expression.
Kellen and I built our business to care for our family.
Part of my service (and your service) to the world is being fully expressed.
That's actually all there is.

The Soft, Slow, Safe Mommy Feminine Practitioner

There is this thread out there right now where many women in the spiritual space are of some delusion that being a small humble “helper” just holding people in a soft unfolding is the work. This is nice. It really is. And needed sometimes.

But really it just has these steady, mommy-ing types hide behind “helping others” instead of really looking at their HUNGER to be fully expressed and stepping into fully serving the energy that is calling them because it is too uncomfortable.

These types say “I shouldn’t want that”, the hunger is disordered, as opposed to really admitting who they are. Not realizing that the fake mask they were wearing was covering and operating for a very real shadow desire. This is a woman with deep shame of how starving she is.

Perfectionism usually drives these women to pull back, reign it in, keep it under CONTROL, and dress it up with some nice flowery language so she can maintain her image and composure. This kind of woman is not willing to be seen in her mess. She needs to come out as the Good Girl, the pious one. Only someone very attuned can smell the stench of bitterness under yet another fake mask.

Here is the perfection: We ALL want success for the wrong reasons at a certain age. It is a normal behavior for that Saturn Return age group.

There are a few exceptions of really mature women with true undeniable medicine that make it through early, but mostly the late twenties / early thirties is the age where the veil is lifted on achievement, status and fitting in with the cool kids on the internet and they have to build and destroy something to see that it was not the thing. There is literally no other way to see it.

THE GATE OF DISILLUSIONMENT

The Gate of Disillusionment follows. Then the dark dark night of the soul. Then the “what the fuck is the point". This is the biggest ego death in our adult life if you really begin doing the work here. And it's an important ego death. You have to do it. I did this at 30. I threw out my whole life! I spent 2 years on the floor alone in Asia. It is a miracle I made it out alive. Most of you reading this weren't around for that era of my life but I assure you that I have put in more time “on the mat” than you are even aware of.

From that point I swore after that I would really try to listen to a different guidance system. And in the last 17 years since my life crashed to the ground all I have done is try to follow, learn, refine and deepen my faith.

I want to show you a chart I saw Alex Hormozi describe about the entrepreneur's journey. I think it also shows important aspects of the spiritual journey.
In “uniformed optimism” you have a fantasy, an idea of the life you want or the things you want to achieve. You are hopeful and it's blue sky optimism.
You hit the peak of the beginning of shedding and some transformation.

Then the things that were working don't work anymore and you have a crisis of faith because your fantasy was really to KNOW and have some kind of safety, some formula, but the journey is really walking a tight rope in the dark and no matter where you are on the path you can't really KNOW or see the whole thing. Glimpses yes, but the image actually gets filled in with commitment and faith. This location requires us to start trying new things and continue our relationship with what is True as opposed to relying on a formula we prayed we could set and forget.

We all go through the "throw the baby out with the bathwater " collapse phase.

QUEUE 👉🏼

Fuck this shit.
Where is my happiness.
I was fooled.
I was groomed.
I was manipulated.
I didn't get what I wanted.
I abandoned myself.

"But who is saying that? The one with the fantasy. The version of us that was seeking a particular outcome that didn’t go through a proper death and refused to transform.
That part needs to go through the FULL DEATH or it will go back to the Uniformed Optimism/ Fantasy phase chasing the next thing to save them from the last thing. But this time loaded with bitterness and resentment.

REAL LEADERSHIP

This is where I think the spiritual ego swapping part comes in. Where we reject THAT but THIS is now the NEW thing that's going to be perfect. Now this teacher or this method or the new man is the best thing EVER! Until our next awakening.

The trick though, the REAL leadership, is not quitting because you lost face.
REAL leadership isn’t selling your new offering by positioning yourself as superior to someone else.
It isn’t using the tools and practices you were given to relaunch yourself while calling them toxic.
It's riding out the waves of embarrassment that you "failed"
Or admitting you couldn't hold what you built from the version of you who wanted it to save you, while still staying with and holding what was actually True in what you built.
It’s admitting who you actually are, and were, not the new spruced up version that feels palatable.

But there are no actual failures, only learning.
And we learn the most when we can say YES AND.
Not passive aggressively creating a superiority complex to make ourselves better than that which was given to us.

(PS I have totally done all this! It is a NORMAL part of growing up and spiritual evolution.)

THE PORTAL OF SELF-ABANDONMENT

I want to speak on self-abandonment for a moment and why I believe there is no awakening without the portal of self abandonment.
In this life, we will all abandon ourselves somehow, somewhere for someone or something.
It's inevitable.
I believe everything in our life is a dress rehearsal preparing us for our relationship with soul energy.

The wax on wax off.

This is an advanced teaching and it may take a couple of readings but stay with me.

My experience (and a teaching of Kabbalah) is this, the soul doesn't care about who we are, the body, our preferences or really anything in our personal life. It doesn’t even care if we die.
It cares about expansion, expression, and correction. If we don't learn to see where we sacrifice ourselves it will run through us as it wishes.

If we don't advocate for the vessel it will consume us.

Our free will, our agency and the practice of agency, boundaries, sovereignty is ESSENTIAL to our growth and awakening.

What this means is that we will be asked to PRACTICE and AWAKEN to where we abandon ourselves against bigger forces than us in our lives. This can show up in many ways from addiction to people pleasing.

I had another level of this awakening myself a year ago. I found a small 5 year old part of myself that was so hungry for a particular kind of love that my higher self was just complete with.

Sometimes we need to reject what loved us, because we weren’t clean in how we showed up to receive that love and we don’t know how else to be in relationship with it.

Sometimes we don’t know how to say NO and stay in relationship.

But what if the “object” was your life force and soul energy? You are going to shut it off and down every time your woman is victimized by your life force? You are going to disconnect from your soul anytime your ego doesn’t like what is being asked? You are going to ghost on your whole life every time you are asked to transform, and expand?

Can you see how our everyday relationships and relationship with sovereignty mirror this?

WE ARE NOT BETTER THAN THE LOVE WE RECEIVED

We should be careful to mind projecting our bitterness on the one playing the role required for us to learn a lesson. Whether this is a parent, teacher, relationship, former version of self. As a student and a teacher I have experienced this from both sides, and it is immensely painful to love someone so fully and completely and have them reject and betray that love because they decided it wasn't “good enough”.

There is a scene in the movie WILD where Reese Witherspoon is in the car on the way to college with her mom who is finally going to college with her and she says something really snotty to her mom "I am just so much more sophisticated than you were at my age." And her mother replies, "yeah that was the plan. I always wanted you to be more sophisticated than me. I just didn't realize it would hurt sometimes". It really captures this particular flavor of rejecting the love we have been given because we think we know better, not realizing we know better because of that love, imperfect as it may be.

LET’S GET SUPER CLEAR

I am not a HELPER or a SAVIOR or a HEALER.
I am not actually even a “LEADER” because I don’t need “followers” to be who I am.

I am a CREATIVE GENIUS. I AM AN ARTIST. I am burning ball of life force and creation.

I am not here to “fix” trauma or heal people or even empower people.
I know energy. I will show you the translation of the map.
Your relationship with the energy is your own.
Does that mean you won’t heal? You may heal! I hope you do.

But really I just hope you get out of your own fucking way and be the version of yourself you actually signed up to be in this life.
Not the safe version, not the small version.
The Go Big or Go Home, wildly audacious version.
The one LIVING.

Too many of you are trying to HEAL so you can LIVE.
IT DOESN’T FUCKING WORK LIKE THAT. The living is the healing. The mistakes are the healing. The deep imperfections are the healing. The mistakes are THE POINT.

I am here to serve that energy in the back.
The creative energy in the back that wants to live through you.
My particular gift to UNLOCK the things that are in the way of that energy.
The energy that is so big you know you can't control it or continue to be who you are if you let it come through.

Over the years I have developed many paths so that people can find the doorways to even begin to have access to the OTHER SIDE OF LIFE. To prepare the VESSEL and the infrastructure so you can put the key in the ignition and DRIVE that baby.

And some reject it.
Some people really cannot understand what I am doing here.
Some people cannot see the genius.
Some people are blown out by it.
Some people get addicted to it.
Some people just choose to see my human imperfections instead of considering that my soul chose PERRI to deliver all this medicine as THE VESSEL.
Some people just see their own darkness in the mirror of the field.
All powerful medicine requires you to be able to really SEE to receive it.
It’s DESIGNED THAT WAY.

Some people end up opting for the small simple life.
Sometimes this is SO TRUE and it is building a foundation that will become the bedrock for later growth. This is an IMPORTANT phase for the real practitioner.
Sometimes it is TRUE to tend to the home FIRST and keep it simple and small and cultivate your family...which may also inform your medicine…and really feel full and complete there to be able to step into our true cosmic size.

I know this life is precious. And I know simple moments are precious.
I am constantly in a pull with this in the small day to day life with my family.
Because my soul DEMANDS and COMMANDS my obedience to create and express.
My soul came for big, massive, cosmic rapture-like expression.
A kind of expression I can’t quite describe unless you have felt the hunger for it.

I came to burn up like a star fully used.
I came here to experience life as ART. To be the ART.
And anyone who truly wants that too, I will serve you in the deepest possible way.
I want to work with your GENIUS, not mommy your inner child.

I want to work with people who want to live the wildest possibilities of their creation.

What we define as the “spiritual work”? It's unfortunately the preparation for the fun part. It’s the wax on wax off so that when you are out there, you can hold it all.
I didn't wake up one day and say "I want to be a spiritual teacher".
I became a teacher to help you prepare your CANVAS.

I'll be honest. I have had my foot on the brake for a long time only really coming out once or twice a year. I admit that I have been trying to go softer and slower to try to meet people where they are. I have been trying to create onramps and slow trainings and containers that meet all these aspects of the journey.

But I am not actually sure that is MY channel or assignment.

Don’t worry, these containers aren’t going away. But I am no longer going to create for the slowest common denominator. I tried it. It doesn’t work for me and it doesn’t actually solve any of the problems I thought it would solve.

I need to have the Lambo out on the open road all the time even if it no one can keep up.

There has for a long time been a whisper….
”If I really go for it I will be alone." Well. Maybe.
But my heart and soul is aching for an expansion of expression.

And so FUCK IT.
You can't lose anything that was truly yours.

Bottom Line:

• All agents of transformation are responding to an internal resonance

• There are normal and natural milestones of disillusionment on the spiritual path

• There is a clear demarcation in the adult journey where we wake up from the false desires of achievement and status that leave us feeling “unsatisfied”

• Some women need to stabilize the WOMAN before she can open to the soul field call

• Rev your engines…. We are moving into a NEW UNAPOLOGETIC PHASE OF EXPANSION

With Love,
Perri

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PS If you want to experience my FULL GENIUS in person…Get on the waitlist for my big summer event here! Tickets rolling out soon.