Getting Stuck In The Identity Of Our Experiences
I was in a Chevron mini-mart once.
On line waiting for the cashier because the pump payment wasn't working and I needed to pay inside.
It had a smell and I was just hoping to move in and out quickly.
I politely smiled at this older man standing next to me. His clothes were a bit worn and dirty like he did work with engines or something with his hands.
He had warm eyes and wore a baseball hat.
He blurted out “You know, when I was 17 I was hit by a tractor trailer!” And I said “wow! And you lived to tell about it.” I was genuinely amazed by this fact.
My mind flashed to that scene in City of Angels when Meg Ryan is about to meet her fate with the logging truck.
Here he was telling a story about something that happened 50 years ago to a total stranger. It was probably the highest moment of sensation in his entire life.
And as he proceeded to tell me the story my awe shifted to sadness and then to pity.
Why do people do this?
Because it was probably the most love and attention he ever got for the rest of his life. During that time, he was important and special. Cared for. And so he tells the story to go back to that.
To squeeze one drop of attention or connection even if it’s for his pain. To attempt to be seen. To reconnect with whatever it was that he touched in that experience.
"Victim" identity is the core teaching of all spiritual work because if you don’t have an embodied understanding that you are NOT your stories, experiences, traumas or even your achievements, you will be stuck in the static layer of life where you are not able to the stories as a hologram.
I’ve seen so many people think they are winning by rejecting this teaching as if it were some kind of optional view point.
This happens when we are benefitting significantly from whatever identity we are clinging to.
This is part of the process of course and nothing to be ashamed of.
But to grasp the underpinnings of spiritual law, and how we grow and evolve, we must understand the MAP of consciousness.
When we are challenged in the awakening process, we tend to cling to these very tasty, addictive stories.
The most addictive stories are the ones we get the most love and attention for right?
The ones where we get that hit of attention and people say "Oh I am so sorry that happened to you!"
We all do it. We can be aware we are doing it and still do it. We can even be aware we are doing it and still want to do it.
Victimhood is the ultimate addiction.
Especially in our CULTure today .
The bigger the victim, the bigger the leverage.
It’s the ultimate “topping from below”.
Topping From Below is a term from BDSM where the sub uses manipulation to exert influence as the Dom while remaining the sub.
So in our CULTure. You can see this all over the place. Look at how we are dominated by narratives that constantly center victimhood.
It's the untouchable badge of honor that everyone bows to.
Lest you dare challenge, question or heaven forbid not believe a victim.
A world where feelings now overpower facts and reality is no longer a shared experience but the one sided projection of the "one who shall not be questioned".
It serves no one. Particularly the “victim” who is enabled into a new character that now gets high amounts of attention for their new chosen identity.
Power structures today are held by the victim.
There are no top down power structures.
Today it is victim who is the Dom.
Hiding as a sub.
Topping from below.
While pointing to the "power" that they are victimized by.
And the victim provokes and manipulates hoping for the gotcha reaction!
See! Look I told you!
Yet they dress it up as if they were powerless.
But it’s the manipulation of manipulations.
But for anyone who is not fooled by this mask it is like a child acting out for attention.
Let’s be clear. Real victims don’t behave this way.
Anyone who has ever experienced something awful or tragic knows that awful experiences don’t turn you into a histrionic person with the obsessive qualities of a stalker.
Attention does.
Let's make sure we are really getting granular here.
Being able to acknowledge "X happened and it impacted me like Y" or "X happened and it made me feel Y" are important steps for people to reconcile their experiences.
So are “I made X choice and I see how I am responsible for XYZ.” And “I made X choice and this inner child part of me got touched and I projected X onto Y.”
Even the things that happen “to” us can be reconciled with G-d.
Most people who seek attention through victimhood have no real connection to G-d. Because when you have that connection, you appreciate and surrender to the perfection of your path.
It may take time. But a person who walks with G-d softens.
People or groups who want to be attention seeking victims as a form of leverage harden and crystallize.
They want free rein to behave how they please while remaining untouchable.
Some groups even fabricate harm to continue to pull these levers.
Once you see it, you can’t unsee it.
Anyone who takes on the IDENTITY of their experiences is doing it for one reason and one reason only.
Control. And power. Period.
Sometimes it’s innocent.
In some cases it’s harmless.
In some cases it’s addiction.
In some cases it’s obsession.
And at some point. With the right ingredients of obsession, vengeance and manipulation and even propaganda , it becomes pathological.
There are some incredible examples of this playing out on the campuses of colleges right now.
Radical groups are using this playbook hook line and sinker to rally a twisted form of action.
Identity building to twist reality is the ultimate kink.
Imagine going your whole life needing to build your identity on something that did, and sometimes did not, happen.
And then using that story as the way you get scraps of attention or love at best,
As a weapon to harm someone or a group of people at best.
Imagine being so disconnected from G-d that you were so obsessed you never moved forward with your life or did anything of importance because you were stuck nursing the pain body of this wound?
In our society you have full collective ego groups that have formed around their stories that anyone stepping out of the party line is canceled.
And because our society is so conditioned to “believe the victim”, no one ever really looks closely at the victim’s story, or identities they may have created prior to their current victim story.
No one examines how it might be a pattern of attention seeking (sometimes in the form of money) and worse malicious pathology with an intent to weaponize victimhood in order to cause harm….
The victim is never asked for receipts or proof because their “feelings and experiences are valid” and how dare we ask a “victim” (cough, Jessie Smollet) to prove something happened!!
Jessie is the perfect example of this archetype. The man created a fake racist attack and put a noose around his own neck to get attention. Think about how fucking sick that is. The levels people are willing to humiliate themselves to get attention. One scrap. It’s pathetic and it’s so devastatingly sad.
And how are we as a society so manipulated by this?
Because most people are terrified to challenge the story of a “victim”. Why? Because they are more terrified of being called out as another target of the attention and let’s be honest they love to hear the details, they love to be aghast, they love to feel like they are helping!
One of the key things that I’ve seen over the years that is a key signifier of a “fake victim” is vengeance.
Take down and smear campaigns are not created by people who were actually harmed. Cancellation is the weapon of choice for the “victim identified”.
The energy of vilification moves outward away from the pain they refuse to be with in themselves, including the true pain of self abandonment and being responsible for their choices.
My personal favorite is the take down followed by the business pitch.
I know for a fact during the wokist of times it was a strategy certain women would employ to target a business, and then build theirs on the back of a fabricated takedown. LIke a formula. When a notable DEI coach confirmed this was happening I was not shocked.
It’s incredible when people miss this.
Once you know the signature, and you compare it to the history of someone’s behavior, it’s as clear as day.
These people who employ this have a long history of attention seeking tendencies and identity swapping.
They tend to be “all in” on their identities and then sell their prior selves down the river afterwards.
Most of the time it is driven by a sad kind of searching for "self" and a hunger for love and attention.
Like any pattern it can be innocent or it can be toxic depending on how it is used.
The key to not being recruited by this or playing this out ourselves is to KNOW WHO WE ARE.
A journey inward.
A process of deep emotional sobriety so that we do not become drunk on scraps of attention from cheap sources.
Want to learn more about how to do this work?