The Spot I Must Open

And the clear message for my next Evolution

There is something huge opening in me.

I am at the edge of my capacity in every conceivable way and sometimes I’m leaking, sometimes I’m spilling, sometimes I’m off gassing in small angry bursts.

The sensation is so intense in every realm it I can barely stay conscious inside of it.

Long story short.

I’m getting WORKED.

The somatic people will tell you to move it.

The breath people will tell you to breathe it.

The therapy people will tell you to process it.

But I know better.

I know it’s my to hold and ride.

It’s here to open and expand me.

It’s here to rearrange and rewrite me.

It’s here investing in my future.

In the woman it’s creating me into.

And inside I’m incinerating.

I’m being forged in the inferno.

The universe is speaking to me from every possible place I can receive a message.

There is a kind of humility that present that’s testing me beyond my practice of faith in G-d which I’ve always had

Me and G-d against the world

It’s asking me to put my faith in YOU

In the PEOPLE around me who love me

To allow myself to receive a level of care and support that I only reserved for giving to others never myself

On Friday I talked about the journey of Inanna to my Chrysalis class.

The beauty of what it asks us.

The dying on the meat hook at the gate of full surrender .

Twice this weekend I saw words about Innana.

This evening by a dear sister who always writes where my soul is currently unfolding. She wrote of Inanna’s descent. The removal of safety and identity.

Heading down into the underworld.

Yes yes. I know this.

And then she shares that when Inanna was on the meat hook, her ALLIES came to sprinkle her for 60 days and nights with the bread and water of life.

I had completely missed this part of the story.

Of course it makes perfect sense because it is how I hold women. But what about me?

Who is there to sprinkle me with the bread and water of life ?

I’ve isolated myself so deeply from any kind of help or perceived vulnerability because my experience is that is when the greatest betrayals have occurred in my life.

Over and over and over.

If I am not ok they kick me in the face and take whatever they can and leave.

And there I am wishing I never needed anything or anyone.

Because G-d has me.

But I’ve seen the Truth and the memo is to be the woman I am meant to become I need to be able to really bring people close and let them love me and care for me the way I care for them.

And I think I’ve tried to do this.

I just chose the wrong people.

Not all of course. I know there are people who would be there for me but what I’m not sure is if they would even think I needed them.

But I’ve trained people to know I’m good and I’ve got it.

Today I saw “sometimes the descent is the elevator to the next level.”

I heard “everything is working out for you exactly as it should”

I even drew one card today and I specifically called on Moses & Metatr*n who I know are always near but I rarely ask for anything and said “show me what I need to know.”

I drew one card. FAITH.

If I was not ok would they love me?

Would they be there for me or just pick at my bones and then leave me?

Would they take care of me?

Would they nurse me back to life?

And I don’t actually think it will come to that.

But the threshold I’m on is requiring me to be willing to receive in a way that would have previously felt humiliating but now it just feels like slicing my guts open, raw and tender.

This is a huge spot of choice.

Because it’s the choice to be so vulnerable and so open and so bare when people want to hurt me and still being willing because I can no longer stay closed.

II HAVE TO CHOOSE THIS SHIFT.

I have to choose this opening.

To expand the channel or collapse inside and under the weight of it on my own.

You don’t need to “do” anything at the moment.

Just don’t need me to be something for you.

There is a new way of being, working, relating, teaching and receiving and being together emerging.

There will always be a need to be a teacher, the channel is a one way transmission.

But let’s be women together.

I don’t want to be anyone’s mommy or pedestalized projection.

I want to be this woman and also be seen and appreciated for the channel I hold.

Not one or the other.

Not where my humanness negates my divinity but where we can hold the paradox of both in all of us.

I have been deeply grateful for the way my journey has softened me, humbled me and opened me.

And, that process has been somewhat grueling and painful.

The level of betrayal I experienced in my own community from people I deeply deeply loved could have closed my heart forever.

But G-d will not allow it.

It’s time to open to a whole new level.

And there is a new way emerging.

I don’t actually know exactly what it will be in it’s fullness yet, but it’s here and it’s asking me to bring it forward.

Please join me Saturday as I unveil the vision for this new professional guild.
THE MODERN PRIESTESS COLLABORATIVE